"I'd murder a glass of wine right now."
"Pardon?" The waitress is young and likely childless and doesn't see wine as a necessity. I imagine she only drinks cocktails; the fruity ones. It doesn't occur to her that I need this wine, today, and I need a healthy pour.
"Wine, I want wine, please."
"5 ounces or 9?"
I'm sitting here waiting for my wine and trying not to cry. Today I am overwhelmed. Today I can't stop my mind from running.
Kate has become more aggressive. She's mostly used me to expend some of her pent up anger but on occasion she used Grace and that bothers me to no end. The aggression worries me. Not just the physical stuff, because we've been dealing with that for a long time now. We have our battle scars and we understand that Kate's frustration and confusion is far more painful than the pinch or the bite we get now and then. What is getting to me today is her verbal aggression. She is five and works hard to form every sentence that comes out of her mouth with makes it especially difficult to hear her threaten to hurt us.
Mama, I will smash your head.
Mama, I will put you where you're not safe.
Mama, you're never my family.
Mama, I will make you be dead.
Relax, now. I don't expect to wake up in the middle of night and see Kate leaning over me with a pillow. Although, on occasion I will wake up in the middle of the night to her peeling my eyelids open and saying, "Mama, cuddle?" She loves us. She really truly does, and we know that for sure. She is just experimenting with threats right now and it kinda breaking my heart. Buddha knows, I've probably said some shitty things to my own mother in my life and trust me when I say, payback is a bitch.
Happy Mail to:
27 Wellington Row
Saint John, NB
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Grace and Kate's mom. (Shanell)