Alex and I talk about the future sometimes. We'll be forty soon enough and planning is important, right? We talk about a small retirement condo uptown. A beautiful view of the harbour. We could go down to one car and walk to the nice restaurants. Then one of us says it:

"Are those condos big enough for three people?"

It's a legitimate question as the condos are quite small and the second bedroom is often considered a small office. It's the fact that we must ask it that hurts. Will she still be living with us? It seems likely. In fact, we can't picture our future without her living with us, but we wish more for her. We wish so much more. 

I feel guilty typing that.

Sure, she could ultimately run a fortune 500 company, or invent space shoes, or be the first female MLB closer but we have to prepare for a future where her awesome little self lives with us because we can offer her what she needs. 

Will she read this someday, and say: "Oh, Mom. You were so dramatic. When I come home from M.I.T. for Christmas break I'm going to take you out for a drink."

I feel guilty typing that.

I know what you're thinking. Everyone's child's future is unknown. We raise them right and we hope for the best. I don't know how to tell you it's different, except to say that she's been given a few more challenges. Challenges I am not sure the world understands. I'm not sure I understand.

I feel guilty typing that.

So, we plan for every scenario and we worry. We worry so much it hurts. We think about her sister. She is so smart and sweet. She already feels responsible for Kate, in the best possible way, of course. Will it always be this way? Her dad and I hope so.

I feel guilty typing that. 

I've explored these feelings enough for tonight. Thanks for listening. I think I'll take a break and pour a glass or three. 

I feel guilty typing that.

This is Kate. She has autism. That's okay, though; because she has Oakley, too. Oakley makes autism easier on Kate. He's kind of like a cane or a wheelchair or even a best friend, and how all of those things make life a little easier for someone who needs them. I could go into detail about what Oakley does for Kate but I've done that here and here. This time I would simply like to let you know that this little dream team is rocking school. In fact, I'll share a little conversation I had with Kate regarding school last night.

Me: It's time for bed, Kate.

Kate: How much more sweeps afore I see Mrs.M?

Me: Just one, kiddo.

Kate: No, I fink dat's too wong!

Sure, schools can be both a sensory and social nightmare for kids on the spectrum but it looks like Miss Kate and her team (including a fabulous teacher and educational assistant) have been managing just fine.

On a different note; check out the next issue of Canadian Dogs (Coming in November) to see Kate and NSD Oakley featured. Get yours fast because I'll probably buy the whole rack!

In her complex, intricate, delicious and amazing mind, She truly believes, I'm making her bite me. Really, she feels so utterly betrayed at times that she lashes out and feels justified in her actions. She was watching a show about dinosaurs. How dare I turn it off and request she go to bed. She was playing Ninja Turtles. How dare I suggest a bath. 

She's not bad. She's not spoiled or coddled. She's legitimately destroyed by the idea that I would take her from something she enjoys to make her do something she dislikes. 

She lashes out, at me mostly. She bites and hits and kicks. I cry and she feels vindicated by her actions. I used to watch her reaction to my tears in a futile hope that it might make her realize that she hurt me. I don't do that anymore. She is adamant in her feelings. She feels betrayed, hurt, and lied to. It isn't about me. It was never about me.

She thinks differently than you or I. It is so difficult for so many of us to understand. It appears selfish and angry but I can promise you it is merely a combination of confused and afraid. The two most terrifying emotions of all.

A lot of the time she is confused and afraid.

Could you live like that?

Would you want to?

We owe it to her to make it easier and even as you watch in the grocery store parking lot and think to yourself "If she were mine I would take her home and teach her a lesson", we continue offering her support and love beyond what you might expect because she is fighting a battle we know nothing of. She is a total fucking rockstar and you better recognize.