Will She Laugh With You When You Make Fun of Her?

10/28/2013

I could relay a number of instances when Kate has been teased or bullied by other children. I won't, though. It would be too painful for you to read. You won't like it anymore than I did. The children are not to blame, of course. They instinctively question her differences. They can't help but laugh when she does something strange. The most disturbing part, for me, is when I see Kate laugh with them. Kate doesn't understand that the children are laughing at her odd repetitive movements or her 'baby-talk' or her diaper or her chewy toys. She often thinks she is in on the joke and she laughs longest and loudest. It breaks my heart. It makes the children laugh harder and I get glimpses of her future at school.

I guess you could say that Kate is moderately autistic, mid-functioning, swimming in the middle of the pool or whatever other silly metaphors are used to make her developmental delays clearer for her team. She is not severe enough to garner the sympathy of her peers and not high-functioning enough to 'pass', either. She sits somewhere in the middle and she is a prime target for bullying.

This is terrifying for us.

Alex talks about how we can work with Grace and the core group of children that Kate will go to school with and train them, so to speak, to protect Kate. I cringe at the thought of Grace feeling all of the pressure to stand up for Kate in the school yard. But, together, I think Kate could have a righteous little team behind her. I think about this little team, that we are slowly preparing for her, when I feel afraid for her to walk through the doors of that school.

When I titled this blog GoTeamKate, I was originally referencing the many adults that would work together to help Kate negotiate her world. I didn't expect that a team of little children might be the most integral part of all.

10 Comments

Erin

10/28/2013 04:57:13 am

We didn't have a diagnosis before grade 2 for my oldest. Kids have always known he was different, and picked on him for his lack of coordination and balance. He is oversensitive to the teasing, and finds bullying in things that are not. We ususally have to do some investigative work to figure out what is bullying and what is misunderstanding.

Shanell

10/29/2013 05:46:34 am

I see this all the time Erin. It is great that you recognize and investigate it. Sometimes, I think kids become over sensitive to it because they have lived it so much.

Sophiestrains link

10/28/2013 05:55:44 am

Quite honestly, I don't think it matters where on the spectrum you are to worry. Sophie is "severe" non verbal, etc. I worry, so much she can't tell me she's hurt, or where, or how.. I worry. If you read my recent post, I was "high functioning" and "passed". My school life SUCKED. We do what we can, put in whatever plans in place we can and ultimately hope for the best. But with Grace in her team she's got an advantage :) I'm with ya though. The thoughts of September fill me with dread. I'm not quite sure yet where Sophie will end up which is adding to the worries.

Shanell Mouland

10/28/2013 06:00:15 am

Right you are Sophie's Trains. I've been known to argue that are high functioning kiddos get the worst of the bullying but It doesn't really matter. It all hurts.

Sara

10/28/2013 09:15:23 am

This made me cry, not only because the very idea of Kate being bullied breaks my heart, but also because I know she has a team of kiddos who have for her back, and that makes my heart happy XOXO

10/29/2013 05:47:13 am

Awe Sara. Softy. Come get a Kate hug and feel better.

Emily

11/2/2013 03:35:05 am

It sounds like Isabel is about where Kate is, somewhere in the middle with her autism spectrum disorder. I can forgive the little kids. It's the big ones I can't get over. One day, a few years ago (which shows how quickly parents forget these incidents as I remember this as vividly as if it were yesterday) Isabel and I were in the grocery store checkout line. Isabel and I were waiting while the high school boy scanned our groceries and she started flapping her hands vigorously. He hardly tried to contain his laughter and I felt that heaviness in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to tell him that I was able to refrain from laughing at his homely face, I would think he could refrain from laughing at my beautiful daughter's hand flapping, but I decided to try maturity. I waited until we left, then called the manager to inform him that it was extremely inappropriate for an employee to laugh at a customer's child and asked him to speak to his employees about sensitivity.
What a wonderful thing to give Kate a team. Everyone needs a team, autistic or not. We've been so lucky with Isabel's school experience. She has 5 of the loveliest little classmates and another classroom next door with 7 more friends. Her school also matches up typical peers with the kids in her class to encourage friendships among all types of students and it's wonderful for Isabel, and for the typical peers. Thus far I've seen only kindness among the students at her school. In the meantime, I try to remember that Isabel couldn't care less what others think of her--she knows how awesome she is, and I bet with all your help, Kate will always know how awesome she is too.

Laura

1/13/2014 09:53:23 pm

This is the thought that had me dissolved in angry tears just a week or so ago. I'm still coping/processing/whatever you want to call it, and every so often some thought whirls through my brain and I just go bonkers. Worrying about Marco, who is about midway on the spectrum and is basically non-verbal, consumes me some days. Not because he's not happy (this dude is HAPPY) but because I worry about what will happen when he gets to school. I know I can't be his bubble wrap, protecting him forever from all the bad in the world, but that won't stop me from wishing I could.

Amy

1/14/2014 07:01:48 pm

Hi, I am new to your blog and stumbled upon it by chance (I am enjoying it greatly). I am 24 years old and twin sister to my wonderful brother, who has autism. I went through almost all of primary school with my brother, we faced many challenges especially when it came to playground fun. Grace will have a maturity beyond her years, she will of course feel responsible for Kate but her acceptance and love for her sister will rub off on the other children. My brother used to isolate himself, it was comforting for him to run round & round the playground in a circular motion. The children laughed at him and I went home very upset- this is where my parents stepped in. I was taught to make what other children saw as 'strange' into something special, the running in circles was turned into a race- when he wanted to be alone I was able to explain to the others that he needed his alone time and would come to us when ready. Being twins we were in the same class (in a mainstream school where he had a SEN assistant), this worked well for the first couple of years- he was then purposely kept back a year, this was supposedly to 'unburden' myself of the responsibility I felt towards him in class and the mothering role I took on. After leaving the class I can count on 2 hands the number of beautiful little children who almost stepped in to my 'responsible sister' role to care/look out/include him- he was part of them and the care was natural. Please don't be scared of what the future holds- you will be constantly surprised by the kindness of others. Maybe as she gets older it would be a good idea for Grace to join a 'young carers group'? It was a big help for me to be able to discuss my concerns that I didn't want to trouble my parents with. Kate is beautiful and you are a wonderful mum. Best wishes to your lovely family x

Mercedes

1/15/2014 02:23:42 pm

Hi Shanell,

I found your blog thanks to your viral letter, and have been pouring over your witty, emotional, touching and informative posts for the past hour or so. Thank you!

I simply wanted to let you know that I went through all 12 years of public school with my friend Danny, who is autistic. He had a 'helper' who was with him through school who would explain to his friends his special needs, and we all grew to gain a deeper knowledge of understanding of autism through the years. As far as I recall, he was never openly made fun of in school, had friends, and was always treated well by his classmates and teachers. Everyone in our high school cared about him, and when he expressed a desire to be voted "most changed throughout high school" by his peers, he received an overwhelming majority of the votes.

Your Kate has a bright future ahead of her. She clearly has amazing parents, and a fabulous big sis. I don't know what it's like to be a parent, but I know that there will be children out there who will love and appreciate Kate for who she is, and that they will feel blessed to have known her. Don't worry, Team Kate is out there :)

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