To Invite or Not to Invite: That is Not the Question

6/15/2013

Do you have a school-aged child? Do they celebrate their birthdays or enjoy playdates on the weekend?

Birthday Parties: Invite every kid in your child's age group/class*, if posssible, including children with special needs. If you are unsure you should ask the child's parents what accommodations, if any, might have to be made. Likely, the parent will be so moved by the invitation (as they can sometimes be rare) they will be speechless for a moment. Don't pat yourself on the back, you haven't done a great thing, you've done a human thing. INCLUDE ALL CHLDREN. Doesn't that seem painfully simple. Why am I even typing this?

The parent, depending on the level of disability or the type of condition their child has, will likely attend the party as well and you will have another parent there to help. It's a win/win. It is YOUR JOB to make sure your children understand the diversity in their classroom and to ensure that there is no fear, but instead understanding, of a child with a condition or a diagnosis.

Here is a lesson in empathy for you: Imagine picking up your child from daycare/school everyday and never pulling that elusive birthday party inviation from their cubby/backpack. I know this is about the kids and not so much the parents, but that parent is crushed for their child. I have had multiple conversations with parents whose children are about to leave elementary school and have yet to receive their first birthday party invitation from a classmate. To me that is nothing less than criminal. If you are filling out the invitation with any measure of pity or obligation in your heart, skip it, we can wait until you truly want your child to experience all different kinds of friends.

*If the group it too large you can invite all boys or all girls.

Playdates: I know this one can seem more daunting if you are the parent of neurotypical children and you are unsure of what to expect from a child with special needs. Here's a tip: ASK! After you have taken the time to ask you may find that you know more about the child's particular condition or diagnosis than you might think. You will be able to explain it to your child and with some very simple modifications you can usually set up a very successful playdate.

I know from experience that children with autism struggle to socialize and their parents are often encouraged by professionals to include them in as many social groups/situations as possible to help build on their skills. This is easier said than done, when classmates and their parents are too fearful to ask questions or include a child that might seem a little different than their own. Again, the parent will likely stay and you'll see how quickly children can adapt. Remember, this is not your pay it forward moment for the week. This is a choice to see a child as a child and not a diagnosis to be feared and avoided.

15 Comments

Heather

6/15/2013 02:23:42 am

I know how touched Chris & I were when David received his 1st birthday party invite....trust me, they are few & far between...:(

Shanell

6/15/2013 10:47:32 pm

I know Heather. It breaks my heart. David is hands down the best part of my school day. The kids adore him too. I think this another case of the adults screwing it up for the kids.

irene

6/15/2013 08:55:47 am

Great observation Shannel. I never want to see Alex hurt like this. My other 5 grandkids do get invited to parties etc. Should be no different for him.

6/15/2013 10:54:52 pm

Irene, we will keep working to educate people so that kids like David (above) and Alex and Kate will be included. I will watch over him at school. He is an awesome kid and easy to want to spend time with :)

Kaytee

8/9/2013 12:29:01 pm

I'm quite certain this will not be a popular sentiment, but there is sometimes (not always, probably not even most of the time) a correlation between a kid with special needs' behavior and the lack of birthday party and play date invitations.

There's a little boy called B with autism and Tourette's who has been my daughter's classmate since kindergarten -- and yells "Fatty Patty! Fatty Patty!! $@$!! $&@$)!!" at my daughter dozens of times per day (his lovely para thoughtfully keeps track). He tells similarly vile things at all of his classmates -- all seven of them; there is one school, with one class per grade in my tiny town -- too and it is not considered bullying because it is a manifestation of his disability. B's mom sends a letter each year and gives a little talk to the class on her son's disabilities each year.

Intellectually, I get that B can't help it, as does my girl (well, as much as a 9 year old can) -- and she hates it and I can't blame her. I require my kid to be polite to B (as this is what stops the world from descending into anarchy) but cannot make her like him. She flat-out refuses to have anything to do with B outside of school -- and I can't blame her. B's mom asserts that inviting all kids EXCEPT B to my girl's birthday party is bullying. Yes, technically it is -- but it's a direct result of his (admittedly involuntary but nonetheless horrific) behavior.

If your kid has special needs and zero birthday party invitations, it is worth contemplating if his/her actions have directly contributed to it.

(There are a number if kiddos with special needs, including autism, that my kids are friends with who are regularly invited to their birthday parties and play dates -- it's this one particular classmate that is a horror. And, my kid is able to exercise much more self-control than I'd've been capable of at her age -- I'd've decked B for his vile taunts YEARS ago).

Sonya

8/10/2013 12:43:51 am

Shanell,

Couldn't get through this one without some tears. You make many valid points. J. was invited to a few parties in the lower grades by parents who believed in inclusion. I always felt like I needed to explain to the parent how much this meant to me and J. I am not sure they understood the importance of their actions. Just a few hours of their time made a huge difference in J's life. She hasn't been invited to parties since about grade 2 and she is 12 now. She watches her younger sister go to parties at least once a month.

Ironically, in time there are certain children who step forward and act with kindness. Just this weekend, a certain "friend" came for a sleepover. You wouldn't believe the excitement before her arrival. I know this child would rather have been some place else with her "real friends", but somehow God has placed in her heart an understanding of J's needs. After many disappointments and tears, someone comes forward (often a child) and gives J. a new reason for feeling valued. Thank God for this.

Kaytee, you have valid points too, especially if the child is aggressive. I know my daughter's poor behaviours in the past have caused her to "burn bridges". We have been working on these behaviours since she was 2 and will continue to help her into adulthood. But like I said, just a few hours...a few hours that can be very difficult for you (doesn't necessarily have to be a birthday party at the risk of it being ruined)...but a few hours of difficulty for you can make a child's day, build her self-esteem and give a parent hope. Not sure if this is possible in your case, just a suggestion.

Yes, I believe J.'s behaviour has caused some her problems. But I am so thankful for those people (including the little girl that slept over), who continue to give her chance after chance as she learns what comes so naturally to the rest of us.

And guess what? It was a great sleep over. 100% successful. Most parents don't cry over a successful sleepover, but I am right now.

Yes, our kids' behaviours may contribute to their isolation, but they hurt the same way all our children hurt. We love them the same way all parents love their children (maybe in a more, ferocious, protective way) and they deserve to love themselves.

Okay...gotta go find my Kleenex now...lol

8/10/2013 05:32:47 am

Sonja- For a moment, let's pretend your daughter is 15 and dating a boy I her class who hit her, then apologized profusely and promised never ever to do it again. A month or so later, he hits her again. He's remorseful, he's working with a therapist, he really, truly is working to better control his impulses, he's doing everything he can, he has the support of his parents and therapists (hired by his parents). Would you encourage your daughter to date this boy? To forgive him for hitting her and carry on with the relationship?

Of course not! Who would encourage their kid to spend time with a person who treats her so terribly?

The same things apply to platonic friends - it is great that you and professionals are working with J on her behaviors. Clearly her classmate who came for a sleepover is a sweet kid.

I'm all for teaching my kid to treat others with respect and to forgive people who have wronged her (and who she has wronged) -- so that "burned bridges" don't stay that way forever.

However, in the case of B, he's been there is too much water under the bridge -- she's polite to B. it's the best I can do given the circumstances.

Inviting a kid whose repeatedly been aggressive towards my kid for a play date, even if it is tough for her because it'd mean the world to the other kid? Really??

Ummmm, no. I refuse to encourage my kid to invite her assailant to her birthday party. It's unreasonable to expect kids to forgive and forget the fact that they've been ASSAULTED and have the attacker over for a sleepover. It is not reasonable to expect parents to overlook your kid ATTACKING or bullying their kid. Actions (even involuntary ones) have consequences. Some "burned bridges" ought to stay that way.

Clearly J's got a long way to go before you can reasonably expect other kids to befriend her.

Flannery link

8/10/2013 09:59:14 am

Kaytee, this might not be a popular response, but why don't you eat a bag of dicks?

Also, on behalf of all special needs parents, THANK YOU for not inviting us to endure your little princess' birthday.

Jessi

8/10/2013 10:01:17 am

Oh, Kaytee. You really don't get it, do you?

I would try to explain how you're incredibly wrong and so far up your own ass that you cannot see straight, but I would be wasting my time.

Bless your heart. Eat a bag of dicks.

Leo

7/3/2016 10:36:46 pm

Hey Katee, this post is three years old but as a special educator I am %1000 behind your decision to defend your daughter and NOT invite your child's bully to an event meant to celebrate and honor her. And all those parents who are saying hurtful things in response to you being honest are setting awful examples for their kids. As a special educator, I know first hand how important it is to teach kids (ALL kids) that certain behaviors warrant certain responses. So parents, if your child is excluded from a party, seek first to understand. Try respectfully asking why and then, if it is indeed a result of your child's behavior, work on it. Another child should not have to suffer simply because your child is learning.

8/10/2013 09:28:22 am

Sonya, thank you so much for sharing that awesome story. You really put it all in perspective and I love every single word you wrote. It made me cry and I wish people like 'Kaytee' had even one iota of a clue about what our lives are like. Until then, we have to patiently ignore comments like hers. There are so many people who would line up to put her in her place and many of them are reading this right now! :)

Lori smith

8/10/2013 10:10:27 am

Kaytee,
Bless your heart...I know it must feel awful to hear a disabled child call your child fat! Being fat is such a disability..I suffer from it myself. I only hope that your girl is not not invited to parties because of it! By the way..eat a bag of dicks!

Erin

8/10/2013 10:08:07 am

Dear Kaytee,

Fuck your face.

Signed,
Every special needs mom in the history of ever

Wendy

8/10/2013 10:48:42 am

Kaytee, Kaytee, Kaytee. It must be wonderful to live in such a lovely bubble of self-righteousness. Your daughter is learning so many lessons.

I hope she gets to watch you eat a bag of dicks so she'll know not to act like you when she grows up.

Stay classy.

Pamela

4/6/2014 08:45:23 pm

Kaytee, You're awful. I feel sorry for your child.

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I talk about Autism, a lot

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