Things I Did That Probably Cause Autism

I figure if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. The internet has been telling me for two years that something I did during pregnancy caused Kate's autism so, at long last, I concur. Here are some of the ways I most likely caused autism.

The Blue Slushie Conumdrum

I was seven weeks pregnant and I got this wicked craving for a blue slushie. I drove to the gas station and poured the biggest one I could and gulped it down outside of the gas station like a lunatic. In the brief moment after I was done and just before the brain freeze set in, I thought to myself: 'I shouldn't have done this. This can't be good for the baby. This will probably give this baby autism. It's even the colour of autism awareness for Christ's sake.' But, then the moment passed and my brain froze and as I staggered back to my car like a mid-day drunk I forgot all about my earlier realization. 

The Glow Stick Incident

Just weeks later, at 3 months pregnant, I was busily cleaning the playroom when I realized I didn't have enough hands to carry all that I needed to carry from one corner of the room to the other (you know, 'cause that's how I clean, sometimes) and I used my mouth to carry a handful of glow-sticks that were destined for the garbage. Well, didn't one of those little fuckers break right inside my mouth and while it only took a millisecond to taste the grody green goo and spit it out; I realize now that that could have been the moment when I caused autism for my daughter and maybe a number of other children I came into contact with that day, too.

The Attitude Adjustment

Once, just after my sixth month of pregnancy and consequently my sixth month of throwing up multiple times daily; I screamed as loud as I could that everybody on the internet LIED and pregnancy SUCKED and then I cried and cried and when I was done screaming and crying and I finally opened my classroom door and my students warily walked to their seats, I realized I might need an attitude adjustment. And if you listen to what people on the internet tell you, a bad attitude can most certainly cause autism. So, there's that. 

I'll keep searching my brain for memories of shameful moments during my pregnancy to share with you. You know, just to make sure we have all the facts determining how I caused Kate's autism. Check back for part two soon and if you're into teasers it has to do with a slightly undercooked pizza crust and the very liberal use of bath bombs.

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