I'm Not Your Moral Compass: I'm Just a Mom Screwing This Autism Thing Up, Regularly

I'm not your moral compass. I'm a wannabe writer with a small but very loyal following, so please don't make any of your major decisions based on my ramblings. I'm just not who you think.

I want to be a warrior mom who spends her days advocating for the rights of individuals with autism, but I also want to stay home and read while drinking boxed wine.

I want to have the patience to talk with Kate about her birthday every single day until it arrives, and then start again the moment it's over, but I also want to turn up Netflix and tune out the birthday script. Yeah, I said it. I want to absentmindedly shake my head while actually focusing my attention on the new season of Black Mirror.

I want to make sure I arrange well-planned play dates with the two friends that finally found their way to Kate and monitor her social interactions to ensure she doesn't scare them away, but I also want to give them sugary snacks and the WiFi password so I can hide in my room and catch that elusive nap.

I don't indulge in these selfish behaviors as much as you might think; or maybe I do, I don't know how high your standards are and frankly, I can't be bothered to worry about that because I am currently using up all of my worrying time to worry about a future that is as uncertain as any of yours.

I do spend much of my time working a full-time job as a teacher, organizing speech and occupational therapy appointments. I do fret over play dates and whether her big sister is getting enough of our attention. I've devoured every autism-related publication I can get my hands on, and I've read the entire internet but I simply can't do these things as much as I did in the beginning. 

It took me a few years after the diagnosis to realize that attention must be spent on vain and trivial pursuits. Time must be spent wasting away entire afternoons debating the merits of battery-operated scissors or cat houses and that's okay.

So, if you're still here, reading this, and you'll forgive me my transgressions, I'll continue writing. Or actually, maybe just keep your standards low because I'll probably just keep writing, anyway. :)

p.s. I love sharing our stories with you. If you like following along, consider buying me a coffee to help continue making this website free.

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