If I Admit To You What I've Done Can I Fix It?

3/30/2014

Twenty months ago I decided I would throw every ounce of energy I had into preparing the world for Kate. In doing so I have neglected myself in many ways. The most humiliating of which has been my eighty-one pound weight gain. This will come as no surprise to those that know me because cruelly enough I cannot hide this as easily as other indiscretions. I wear it, both literally and figuratively, every single day. I have absolutely despised myself for it.

Can I posit that this weight gain be as symptomatic of autism as Kate's flapping? Can I blame the changes and the challenges? If you think I am blaming Kate for my weight gain you'd be wrong. Pay attention. It doesn't really matter, though. This is one problem I won't be talking (or writing) my way out of.

It's a shame though, that as far as I've come and the successes I've had as of late, that I can't get this particular monkey off of my back.

I've joked to Alex that I have been working hard to gain this weight because editorially it would make for a fantastic before and after piece.

So, in sharing this today I was hoping that maybe you might have some words of wisdom or commiseration for me. I could use both right now.

14 Comments

3/30/2014 04:35:55 am

I gained 15-20 pounds in a year. I'm 23 and don't have a child with autism. Actually I don't have any children (thank god) or responsibilities except for work. You are not alone. I eat my feelings but at least they taste good. Your excuse is better than mine.

Kelsey

3/30/2014 05:31:22 am

Weight loss is hard. I have struggled my whole life, before having kids and now after 4. I know I have it in me to be fit but I feel like watching Frozen for the 10th time is just a little bit more important right now. It's hard to make ourselves a priority over our little ones who need us so.

Dawn of Hardly Bored link

3/30/2014 05:57:32 am

Your weight is only an issue if it is affecting your health! If you feel like it is, try moving more, try writing down what you eat, or changing it or cutting things that make you feel bad!
You have two lovely energetic girls, let them guide you too! Play with them, run with them, dance with them! You will feel better and bond better with them if nothing else.

Nicole

3/30/2014 06:02:50 am

As you know my sister is little and 5 years older than me. I'm the FAT one, it's sad to think of myself that way. I have decided that I am making a change. I am drinking more water and gave up chips for lent, but that is not near enough! I have now taken the help of a fitness coach and hope that this will make a positive change and impact on my life and health.

I feel for you. Mine was not since Alexandre's diagnosis. I've been lazy, no other excuse sadly:(

Melanie

3/30/2014 06:03:19 am

It's so easy to pack on the pounds. Having an autistic child is just a good a reason as any. I say try to find some time for you and exercise. I've gained a bunch of weight from a medication so I feel your pain. Exercise is how I keep the weight at bay. Take care of those girls, but don't forget about YOU.

Anna Wolk

3/30/2014 06:16:27 am

Love yourself~every ounce of you~because weight is just a number, but it can't define you, or your journey.

Denise

3/30/2014 07:29:39 am

I do not have a child with autism. I just like food. A lot. I am not one of those who eat to live. I live to eat. Or I did anyway. I am trying very hard to lose weight. When we went to Disney 2 years ago, I refused to be in any pictures. I have zero family pictures from vacation. The last, actual, family picture was when my daughter was 6 months old. She is now 15. We have zero family photos with our son. We are going to Disney again in 5 months. I have a goal. I don't think I am going to reach it, but I will be in pictures at least. To date I have lost 56 pounds. I have 40 more to go. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. You are not alone.

Susan

3/30/2014 07:58:27 am

Shanell
I so feel your pain, in the last 3 years (our son was diagnosed with Autism at 4, 5 years ago) I have gained 40lbs. I totally understand putting your child first as I live that life too. Seeing my child succeed and thrive is what makes me happy and fulfilled!
I am the one that drives to school (private), looks after speech and OT, then managing gymnastics and social skills. I can only work hours that match up with school so there is always money stress. By dinner time, I'm "done". It's too easy at that point to do take out, frozen pizza, tv dinners etc. I would be the first to admit, I eat when I am stressed, and I guess there is a lot of stress in our house, just like any house with children with autism. The idea of squeezing one more thing into my day is almost laughable, but looking in the mirror and in the closet at all the clothes that no longer fit is extremely painful.
I read your blog and follow Team Kate and think you are an amazing Mom, and Kate and Grace are blessed to have you! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving a voice to all the children with autism in Canada.
Please keep writing about this part of the journey and I'm sure we can all support each other. Keeping you in my prayers.
Susan (mother to Rhys)

Joni Robinson

3/30/2014 08:48:03 am

It goes on so easy and comes off so hard! I work with 4 children with autism daily. You would think with the constant movement I would be a stick. Nope! Just can't get it to come off! Trying to eat healthy and go on walks. You are a wonderful mother to two wonderful girls !!

Pam Ross

3/31/2014 12:34:32 am

Seriously Shanell….we all know you are NOT someone who would
blame anyone, for this weight challenge. Especially not precious
Kate….I will say however there are some people out there, who
are stress eaters…..or people who don't have time or don't make time
to plan out for the week….ie: cut up veggies for portability….30 min meals for success…..water bottles ready to grab….partially frozen..
etc.
you get the idea :)
I know you will conquer this too Shanell…….I have no doubt.

Shamcy link

4/1/2014 02:15:31 am

It is your body and you know yourself better than anyone else. Shedding off pounds require a lot of discipline and motivation, also a lot support from the people you love which I'm sure you have plenty. :) Cheer up! :)

4/2/2014 06:38:59 am

It's so sad to me to hear when women loathe themselves and their bodies so much after a large weight gain. Society has conditioned us to use words like "disgusting" about our own selves and feel ashamed. How awful that is! I gained 90 pounds as a result of 10 plus years of hormone therapy, and I refuse to cave to convention and despise myself and my own body. Do I want to try to work slowly to eventually be the healthiest I can be, whether that's now a size eight or twelve or fourteen? Yes. But I simply will not allow the changes wrought in my body over time make me feel disgusted. I invite you to join me in doing the same.

Ulrika

4/4/2014 05:35:21 am

I dont know what your city/surroundings look like but is it possible for you (and the kids) to go by pushbike some ways during the day? It doesnt have to take much more time than going by car and it will do wonders for your health and figure! Maybe this article can be an inspiration:
http://bikeportland.org/2012/06/28/with-six-kids-and-no-car-this-mom-does-it-all-by-bike-73731

Alicia

4/10/2014 07:40:59 am

You know that saying about adults should put on their oxygen mask before assisting others? Moms are the WORST at it. I thought I was doing the whole self care thing well (going to therapy, having lunch with girlfriends from time to time) after my son was dx three years ago, but then I 'found' 30 pounds in a year. While I agree that we should be confident at any age or body type, the ever tightening clothes were wearing on me. All. The. Time. Being a kick a** advocate (and I can tell that you are one) is a ridiculous amount of emotional energy, even if you've got a great support system. Blog about it here - the good days AND the bad. We're here for you.

Just over six months ago, I finally made a commitment to my health and found a routine that works for me. Not worth sharing here, because I won't presume that what works for me will work for you. But what will work for you is to make YOU a priority, even if it's for 15 minutes a day at first. (Getting to shower by yourself or go grocery shopping by yourself doesn't count.) The clothes are not as snug although the physical change isn't that dramatic. What IS dramatic is the mental change. I'm not as quick to judge myself or get on my own case about all the things I should be excelling at. That's been a huge eye opener.

You can do this - whatever 'this' turns out to be for you. Just know that there is no easy fix, no quick win that will be worth it in the long run. Find a place to start - set a small goal, something attainable. Do NOT reward yourself with food when you attain that goal. That was my first eye opener and my first step. Hang in there mama!

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If I Admit To You What I've Done Can I Fix It?

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