I Can't Transcend Her Autism So Fuck Off

11/12/2015

https://www.pinterest.com/ pin/469570698626859016/

I don't know how to tell you this, but the truth is, your neurodiversity movement is making me really fucking angry. Oh, looky there, I guess I did know how to tell you.

Things that don't make me angry:

Wine.

Netflix.

Sleep.

Reading.

Things that enrage me:

Internet assholes telling me I am hurting my child because I refuse to celebrate her disorder.

When I log on so many tell me over and over that I am hurting my girl by not allowing her autism to shine.

By "shine" do you mean allow her to become so agitated by confusing and overwhelming sensations that she cry and lash out?

If she had diabetes should I let it fucking shine. Should her milk allergy be allowed to shine? What about her love of biting assholes like you? Well, yes, maybe you've got something there.

I know so many of you want me to embrace her autism. Celebrate it, even. This really only serves to frustrate me. If you're coming from a good place when you write to me, I usually can see that right away. I understand that and I simple delete the message because we shall agree to disagree. If you're attacking me, as many of you do, I get pissed and here's what I want you to know.

My daughter has a disability and I cannot transcend that fact with positive thinking about different operating systems and feel good stories about the school basketball team's quirky manager. Nor can many of you. You know pity porn when you see it. But, you still insist that autism is not a disorder, but a gift.

I am not afraid to say that if you've been lightly affected by autism; If your autism is of the so-called high-functioning variety (and my own daughter's may very well be) than bully for you that you can write about how fucking amazing autism is for you. This is not the case for everyone.

Is self-injurious behaviour a gift?

Is fecal-smearing a gift?

Is being lonely, afraid and confused a gift?

I won't be bullied into the neurodiversity movement. When you attempt that you marginalize so many.

24 Comments

S. Griffin

11/12/2015 07:53:21 am

I can so relate and agree with you. My son is 25 and he is miserable that his life is not what he wants it to be nor will it ever be. He may never hold a job that is meaningful for him and he will never be self-supporting or totally independent. He has anxiety, depression, OCD, self-injurious behaviors, and repetitive behaviors that he cannot control. How does one celebrate all of that? We've tried every therapy known to man in his 25 years and we continue the fight. But this is a fight against autism not for it. Those high on the spectrum can celebrate their uniqueness but they should stop telling the rest of us that we should love autism. Autism sucks for most of us.

Trisha searls

11/12/2015 08:13:41 am

I love you. This is awesome. I personally have never dealt with autism but I do have a sister who's 51 who thinks like an 8th grader and I have O.I. (Brittle bone disease) so I've dealt with ding dongs a lot. You keep writing and being who you are. Fuck everybody else.

Glenda Lockhart link

11/12/2015 08:33:38 am

I think you and your family ROCK. I love that you and your husband stay the course and don't cave to other individuals who obviously have something wrong with them in trying to dictate to y'all.

Angela

11/12/2015 10:29:54 am

Autism isn't a fucking gift and I don't want to celebrate it. I want to choke the living shit out of it.

Emma Martin

11/12/2015 12:16:42 pm

Go you tell it how it is. A lady after my own heart :-)

jillsmo

11/12/2015 07:57:52 pm

And you are not alone

Naomi

11/13/2015 07:59:40 am

I can relate on so many levels. I, myself, have a 13 year old, low functioning, autistic son!

I do not "celebrate" him having autism. I do not seek out the "feel sorry so we will pity you with elaborate gifts or experiences". It has happened on rare occasions - A few years ago my husband went to buy popcorn at one of those unique stores. He happened to have my son with him. They were quite slow that day so he simply explained that he would like to place the order and wait out in the vehicle while they finished preparing the lady's order who was before him. When he walked in, the employee said the lady before him paid for his popcorn and to tell him he was such a wonderful father.

There are few places we can take him without a complete meltdown of epic proportions so by celebrating in large places or grand events is not possible.

But... to us, he is the gift. He reminds us that life is more than sports accomplishments and grades. He reminds of the amazingness of the human brain. He reminds us there is joy in simplicity and in the everyday small victories.

Celebrate? We celebrate each time we see a connection. Each time he looks into our eyes and sees our love for him! Each time we hear him speak a new word (very limited vocabulary), each time he dances and sings to music.

And though I don't seek out those "basketball manager" experiences for my son, I do smile and think inwardly how kind they (the school, the team) are to allow them to experience something that brings them joy.

Not gonna say

11/13/2015 10:26:16 am

I must say, you've got guts!! I couldn't agree with you more, but I know the ND crowd can be hateful when faced with truths like this so I'm not strong enough to say it publically. You have my admiration and my support; I don't have your courage!

David Merrill Gill link

11/13/2015 12:33:02 pm

I am a 44 year old male with Autism/Asperger's/PDD-NOS who agrees with this blog entry completely! Those people you speak of are truly delusional!

11/13/2015 07:58:36 pm

Do you embrace the check you receive for your child.?
That sounds to me like an an alcoholic, that doesn't want to admit to their self that they have a problem.
I have a grandson that has autism. My daughter would say no he isn't. But yes he was.
And you know what I embrace him every day. He IS SPECIAL.
I don't know you and glad I don't because I feel sorry for your child. God bless that child.
The outbreaks You can control. All you have to do is hug them . When I am in public and he as an out break, and people like at us or say something, all I tell them is he has an excuse what's yours.
Be proud of your special gift. God doesn't give us ,what we can't handle. Then again maybe he's trying to tell you to love more, and embrace the life you have.

Sarah

12/21/2015 11:59:52 am

So go write your own posts on your own SPECIAL blog and all the ignorant arseholes can go read it and pat you on the back for being such a wonderful grandmother. Right? 😊

Someone who gets it

12/18/2015 11:57:45 pm

^ Very Ignorant. Ignore those comments. It's too bad that we just can't hug the stupid out of people...Kate's lucky to have you as her mommy 💜

anonymous (professional reasons)

12/22/2015 07:41:03 pm

Thankyou for writing this. Thank you for your blog! Im neurotypical and its only through work that I have a lot of experience of supporting people with autism (completely different to parenting and family/self I recognise) I read the comment above,about controlling the "outbreaks" and was amazed at how little some people know and accept. So much that a person with autism does and understand cannot be controlled. And a hug doesnt cure autism,or stop whatever triggered someone to meltdown,and often wouldnt be welcome. It seems awful to me to read this blog that seems so honest and be negative to the writer. Ive seen some brilliant stuff online,families who are supporting thier children in the way that seems best and are learning with them while supporting each other. And now ive seen some stupid comments too. I douby many people would be suprised that a child easily calmed with a cuddle or a distraction,is a xhild without a diagnosis of autism/developmental disorder. Not that diagnois is everything..but really,if you cant say anything nice...! Thanks for writing this Team Kate,really resonates.

Rosemary

2/9/2016 07:28:59 am

Whaaat? Hugging an autistic child? Uh... no! I am a 32 year old with Aspergers syndrome from Australia & you seriously need to contact me so I can personally tell you how awesome you are, & that any way you decide to bring up your child is the "right way". Because if you give love to your child (whether autistic or not) I don't care, your child knows! I'm telling you from experience! It matters. And your child knows!
Screw everyone else!... Though I'm not entirely sure what that means, I mean it!

2/9/2016 07:32:02 am

Poppy

5/9/2016 02:05:12 pm

Just came across your blog (binge reading) and can't resist sending you a virtual salute for this post.

My 4 year old daughter has ASD and I all this twee superpower/warrior mum shite makes me cringe and as if that wasn't enough now these narrow minded neurodiversity advocates are telling me how to feel. I despair.

Jeffrey Loh

8/21/2016 05:13:25 am

Any body tells me autism is a gift , plse contact me at the email and u can have a 13 year old boy as my gift to u.
Cut the crap n bullshit.
Autism is a mental disorder and incurable.
With all the meltdowns and tantrums,being hit and beaten and yet not being able to retaliate,
I am a father being bullied my the very son he is raising and in between catering to all the therapies which cost a arm and legs in Singapore.
Going out for outings can be more heart thumping than a heart surgery and work is like never knowing when u have to throw everything down to attend to problems.
Only time I keep my sanity is a couple of beer or whisky after work when my phone doesn't ring !!!
So to those whom are in a better conditions then I am in , keep your gift and if u want another one , let me know

Dave

11/6/2016 06:10:59 am

I wish you every moment of peace you can possibly get. Just got an asd diagnosis for my 3yo.
I could have mistaken your post for something I'd written myself. The stress and helplessness is UNREAL. These folks trying to show you a silver lining and convince you to celebrate this crippling, life fucking affliction can jam a blue jigsaw piece in their ass and die.
They clearly don't get it or they are challenged themselves.

Rishav Banerjee link

2/11/2017 08:20:34 am

Most of the people who say that are Autistic themselves, actually.

And how you treat Autistic adults is how you ask others to treat your child.

If you've had a child with an autism diagnosis for over a year, and it still hasn't occurred to you to look for actual Autistic voices, then you are dangerously ableist.

Watch and learn. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6cG64nCIPU

Anonymous

2/10/2017 09:54:17 pm

My 2 year old has autism. It fucking sucks. I know I have a long road ahead of me and it just fucking sucks. She's not affectionate, she doesn't talk or make eye contact, she doesn't understand directions or respond to her name. She is more like a house cat than a child. It's so unfair because she was wanted. She was planned. I took amazing care of my body while pregnant. My husband and I waited until we were in a good place financially and emotionally to try to conceive. We did everything fucking right. I had a really rough day today and I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Fuck autism. Fuck this unfair bullshit we have to go through every single day.

6/19/2017 11:54:01 am

You aren't entitled to a nondisavled child. If you weren't prepared to care for a severely disabled child you should have never gotten pregnant. Plenty of disorders have no prenatal tests or can be caused by injuries during or after birth. You should have never had children.

2/11/2017 08:19:24 am

How you speak to Autistic adults is how you ask others to treat your child.

The neurodiversity movement is a civil rights movement to treat Autistics like human beings and accept us for who we are. Sure, it has challenges, but it's also part of who we are, so anything good that comes of it is a result of that too.

See this video of Autistic adults speaking out. Note that one person here is non-speaking, and most of us have gone through much of the stuff your daughter has. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeSKdFE1ozU

And once again, how you speak to/treat Autistic adults is how you ask others to treat your child.

Anonymous link

3/5/2017 01:52:06 pm

Autism is one of the most annoying things I have ever had to deal with. Sure, "it's just as hard for them as it is for us"

They don't have some annoying idiot saying they're the best when they say "1 + 1 = 12754"

They don't have these people screwing them over.

They don't have these people shouting in their ears

They don't have an egotistical, lying, misbehaved, brat, running around.

They don't have to deal with it.

These people are worse atheltically, and academically, yet we still tell them "You are doing great!" and "Amazing!"

All you're doing is making them egotistical brats who say them ran a million laps, and then they just copy off your hard work with handwriting a kindergartener could beat.

Why do we tell them they're great? Just tell them they're different and give them the same standard as normal people. It's not like they're arms are falling off and they're legs are burning up.

6/19/2017 11:59:09 am

So you see children with autism as lying misbehave brats who chose to behave badly? My low functioning sister didn't chose to have her disorder. As much as she annoys me at times, her life is far harder than mine will ever be. Holding her to normal standards is impossible. Her brain is broken, and your inability to recognize disablities other than physical ones is absolutely repulsive. She is congratuled for the thibgs that come easy to most people because they are very hard for her. I hope to God you don't have contact with any autistic people, because your attitude towards them sounds abusive.

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I talk about Autism, a lot

I Can't Transcend Her Autism So Fuck Off

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