How to Win Friends and Influence People: Volume 1

Step One: Have children.

Step Two: Tell everyone without children that life is way harder and way better with children; simultaneously.

Step Three: Take said children with you everywhere, especially fancy restaurants where children would never be expected. Bonus points if children have autism, ADHD or are having a particularly bad day.

Step Four: Say no to every social invitation that doesn't include yoga pants and wine.

Step Five: Gain weight

Step Six: Allow your children to be soothed by screen time. Encourage them to love Netflix the way you do. Bond over said love.

Step Seven: Remind children that the children in China cannot wake up in the morning until they go to sleep at night.

Step Eight: Rejoice in your genius bedtime move with wine and Netflix.

Step Nine: Complain about the costs of school supplies, snowsuits, therapy fees, groceries, gas; and then spend six dollars on a pumpkin spiced latte every morning while you drive to work in your giant SUV.

Step Ten: Admit your parenting sins publically. Sit back and wait.

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