Hey Kindergarten, I Hate You So Bad Right Now.

9/30/2014

I think I am going to puke. School? She can't go to school, can she? How will they keep track of her? I can hardly keep track of her and I only have two. What the hell will happen when an over worked teacher has twenty-two children to manage and half of them have a diagnosis of their own?

What if she decides to leave the school? Who will stop her.

I can't do it, she's NOT going.

I'll homeschool her.

Wait, I can't do that. I work. Fuck. Well, I'll unschool her. No, that's crazy, right?! Ugh, I hate this. What are my options here? I'll send her to private school. I'll sell everything we own to pay the tuition. Wait, what if the private school isn't ready for her? She isn't exactly their typical client. Why is this so hard?

What if she bites someone? Of course she is going to bite someone. Some unassuming little child will put hands on her ninja turtle and she will bite him. Then they will ask me to take her home. I'll come and get her and apologize profusely, trying desperately to make them understand that we don't bite her at home and that we have no idea why she bites, but the truth is we do. We know she communicates with hitting and biting when she is angry and overwhelmed. We know a school of five hundred kids will overwhelm her daily and we know it will be far harder on her than anyone on the receiving end of her bite. Will they understand that? Will they understand the energy she needs to expend just to get through her day?

Why can't she stay in daycare? It is so small and the kids are good to her. They accept her now. There was a transition period, for all of us, but we made it. She is safe and she is happy and I can't bear to change things.

I can't sleep. Kindergarten orientation is coming soon. I'll be bringing her to her future school to sit and be observed by her future teachers for school ready skills. She will be asked to find her name tag. She will be asked to write and colour and answer questions about a book she's been read. She will fail.

She won't know she failed. She won't care. I'll care. I'll watch the others colour and write their name and have a conversation with their teachers and I'll feel bad, and then I will feel even worse for feeling bad and then I will feel bad for that and then...you see why I drink?

She can cut, though. That kid can cut like motherfucker. I hope they ask her to cut.

What if kids look at her funny? What if kids are mean? What if kids are mean to her big sister, Grace? I don't think I could bear that. That would be too much. Grace will feel every odd look and comment deeply. How will I protect Grace?

Don't make me do this. I hate this.

14 Comments

Gabi

9/30/2014 09:24:55 am

I love this! I so get this .. School is hard and scary and so far every grade change makes me feel like this!
Hugs!

Tammy

9/30/2014 09:42:01 am

This made me laugh and ache for you, all at the same time. You WILL get through it, and so will she (and Grace, the teachers and the other kids).

My "baby" is now 26 and in the process of finishing up her degree to teach. Lindsey wasn't/isn't autistic, but I had a lot of the same concerns. And for the record, in her student teaching that she's done - she has been much more inspired by and motivated by the kids that "presented challenges". Because how boring would that be to have little robot children all day? Your baby is going to help shake things up a, little. Not always a bad thing.

Oh, and for the record, my little nephew I mentioned in an earlier comment (because I KNOW you have time and energy to memorize all of OUR life stories! Lol!!) just started kindergarten, and he's doing just fine. Take care, Mama Bear!

Rachel

9/30/2014 09:43:33 am

My son started in august and this is exactly how I still feel!

Amanda

9/30/2014 09:45:47 am

This is a heart felt post Shanell although I know she will do amazing!!! Miss Kate is a rock start :-)

Phyllis

9/30/2014 10:10:10 am

Will her service dog be able to go to school with her?

Patty

9/30/2014 10:22:02 am

She's going to do amazing things! I teach at a school with a high inclusion rate, it is a wonderful environment to work in. I wish you lived in PA!

Sarah

9/30/2014 10:33:19 am

remember when that little boy in your class told you he was going to be a 'cutterist' when he grew up?
Remember how you accepted and dealt with that?
That's how you will handle all of this. With the grace and understanding of how you have dealt with all things as long as I've known you. And if all else fails, I'll drink wine with you.

Shanell

9/30/2014 08:01:44 pm

how could I forget?!

Nicole

9/30/2014 10:35:52 am

You can do this! I am certain that you will find a support system much like you have provided to us. I was terrified when we were going through all of this too, you are already familiar with the school, so you have that working for you!

Pam

9/30/2014 12:02:00 pm

I wanted to give you a hug and tell you it'll be okay. We don't ever really know that for sure, but so many of us have gone there before you and survived. I hope and pray that you will, too! :-) I always feel for Grace. My daughter is so much like her. They both love and want to protect their sister/brother. I want to cry every day when I watch him walk into school. I worry if someone will be mean to him, will kids play with him, etc. He's in 3rd grade. So far, things have been good. I pray for the same for you!

9/30/2014 01:55:16 pm

This is exactly how I feel about my son starting primary school next year. We had a parent information night and they asked if there were any questions. I put my hand up, the room went quiet and everyone was looking at me. My question? "Is there processes in place to make sure my son comes back after recess and lunch breaks? He has autism and he'll probably escape." I am going to be an absolute bundle of nerves each day until I have in my arms at the end of each day.

Anne-Marie

9/30/2014 01:55:42 pm

Don't stress over what might happen. My little man is about to turn 10 and in kindergarten he punched, kicked, bit and ran away. I regularly received phone calls to say they had to go look for him in the car. (he can run very fast and knows all the back country roads home). Yes, the school was not ready for him even though I gave them warning he was a runner. In fact the school wasn't ready for any of the kids in the autism class of 7 that started that year. Fast forward 5 years and he has matured. He no longer bites, punches or kicks. He uses his words instead of fists. It has been a long, hard road and in 10 weeks time he graduates from the autism class to go off to mainstream. Your little ninja sounds very much like him at the same age. Give Kate the benefit of the doubt and she just might surprise you. I can look back now and honestly say my son was feral back then. I now have a child that is still very black and white in how he sees the world but has become kind, considerate and now understands right from wrong and empathy. Teachers find his personality endearing and are amazed at his knowledge of all things trivia. He is still a work-in-progress but I know by the time he goes to high school in two years time he will be able to stand safely on his own two feet. You never know...Kate just might make it on her own too one day!

Eve

10/5/2014 05:02:53 am

oh how I love your wonderfully honest blog!
I teach in a small, 8 student, self contained special ed classroom...and your Kate would fit right in with my bunch like ninja turtles & pizza :). Does your district offer smaller sped classes? We have multiple designations starting at my class which is the "most restrictive" all the way up to our "access" program where the kiddos are in typical classes most of the day with some extra supports in place..and there's class designations in between as well.
I hope they give you & Kate a buffet of options for her fabulously unique self.

Your blog is such a gift to help me stay focused on our kids and not get caught up in all the district bull. Thank you for sharing your honest self for folks that teach especially. Love your humor & all of Kate's perfect ways.💙

Sofia

10/12/2014 12:27:05 am

In Sweden we have specialists teachers paid by the government to supervice special needs children. For everyone to have the same right and opportunity to learn and have a normal social life. I hope you have the same opportunity. Good luck! <3

I talk about Autism, a lot

Hey Kindergarten, I Hate You So Bad Right Now.

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