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I talk about Autism, a lot

Fuck You Cake Pops and Your Impossibly High Standards

2/5/2016

14 Comments

 
Below, the three and half cake pops that "turned out" and next to those gems, the photo of what they were supposed to look like. WTF cake pops? Why are you trying to make me feel bad? I consider myself a pretty sophisticated thinker and yet these small balls of cake and candy seem to have mystified me. This is bullshit and I don't like it one bit. I documented our progress as a warning...a cautionary tale, if you will. Don't promise your kids you'll make cake pops with them. Just spend that small fortune on wine (for you, obviously) and candy (also for you) and send those kids outside to play. 
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This was after I cleaned up most of our mess. The girls were well-behaved and patient, even when I growled at the instructions multiple times. Possibly, they were a little afraid because this little snow day activity was going to be more work than it was worth, and it was written all over my face.
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I think the moment I knew that these cake pops were just little sugary assholes sent to ruin my day, was when I tried desperately to mold some cake into one of the little plastic molds that came with the kit. The kids tried equally hard, and produced, what looked like, little turds, and then I found a place in the trash for those stupid fucking molds right next to the frying pan that just wouldn't come clean this morning. Come to think of it, maybe today wasn't the day to test myself with the fabled cake​ pop? 

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There were many, many bowls of tiny colourful decorations, because that's what "good" moms do. This bowl, was especially memorable, though, because I dumped it all over the kitchen floor before we even got started. What's left in the dish is what I recovered from the counter. Those other little green bastards are still floating around the kitchen and likely will be until Easter.

Instead of using those goddamn molds, I told the kids to roll the cake into little balls with their hands. This was the most successful part of the afternoon. There was even a little hope, at this point, that these little fuckers might actually work out. 
Picture

And then we attempted to add the coatings and everything went to hell The kids laughed, because they are chill like that, and I waited until they were moved on from our baking activity and threw the contents of the whole counter into the garbage, because FUCK YOU CAKE POPS and your impossibly high standards.
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This is how much cake is left over. after our ordeal. What's a mom supposed to do? Throw that innocent cake out with the frying pan and the tiny evil cake molds? No, she's gonna dunk that cake in frosting like a fat oreo in thick, sugary milk and pretend today never happened.
14 Comments
RBinVB
2/5/2016 01:17:49 pm

Sorry for the failed experiment. But a huge THANK YOU for letting me observe what REALLY happens when we attempt Cake Pops. I've eaten a failed attempt like you - crumbled into a whole can of frosting and eaten with a fork. I hope you find something that works!

Reply
Mike D.
2/5/2016 02:41:29 pm

One of the best posts ever!!!

Reply
Sheila
2/5/2016 03:39:01 pm

OK I always enjoy your blog when shared ones show up on my "feed" but this one - I lived it! Only I even had the cake pop maker!
Now I pay the high price of $2.50 per pop at Starbucks and hold my head high!.

Reply
Joe , uh . . .Smith
2/5/2016 06:12:48 pm

Oh my . I laughed so hard I think I cracked a rib . But when I get back from the ER I may buy some donut holes and stab a coffee stirrer in them and post to my social media as if I made them myself .

Reply
Mary O'Neill
2/5/2016 07:10:46 pm

Funniest thing i have read in a while! you did seem to have some problems with the darling little cake pops. but i would like to point out how much the placement of your sticks matched the placement of the sticks in the picture. Good job!

Reply
Linsey
2/6/2016 05:36:00 am

I came across this by accident and I had to laugh, as you were telling the story I could feel your frustration. If you would ever like to try them again I will be more than happy to help you. They are actually very easy to make. One thing's for sure, you can't say you didn't try.

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Jennie link
2/6/2016 06:14:42 am

This was hilarious! I'm a cake popper and people never understand why I charge $24 a dozen. They are absolutely mystified when I charge upwards of $7 each for a complicated design because they "look so easy". Thank you for posting this especially after that buzzfeed video made my job look super easy. www.facebook.com/TheCakePopShopJax

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Gina
2/6/2016 08:50:09 am

I make cake pops all the time, so if you want to try it again I can give you a great recipe. It's a lot of work but fun and they turn out tasty. My friends beg me to make them. It is easy 1 package of cream cheese to about 24 oreos. Refrigerate the mix. Shape into balls, refrigerate again, use a double boiler to melt the chocolate, insert stick, dunk, and either place on wax paper with stick sticking up or if you want to be fancy buy sheets of styrofoam and put upright, decorate with sprinkles, and either refrigerate or put outside if weather is cold to harden.

Reply
Chareese link
2/6/2016 10:09:36 am

This is hilarious!!!!!! Hopefully ppl will understand the cake popper struggle when they tell us we charge too much and our thoughts are "do it yourself then" lol.

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Tiffany
2/6/2016 10:53:26 am

Lol I make cake pops all the time. It's truly not that difficult. I don't make them with the icing in them. 8 have a pan that bakes the balls of cake. Much easier.

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Elizabeth Procopos
2/6/2016 11:11:42 am

Still believe in Santa and the tooth fairy I see....Gave up on that shit long ago when nothing ever turned out like the pictures! NADA

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Lindsey M
2/6/2016 03:11:10 pm

I just found your blog and I LOVE it!!! I laughed way to hard at this post!!! I'm really sorry this happened to you, I've had my fair share of failures with these little devil pops!!! I just pin the pictures to Pinterest of the beautiful ones in hopes I'll make them again wayyy into the future 😁😂!!!

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Kathie
2/6/2016 03:33:44 pm

I can not help but to feel badly for those that have tried but not succeded in making cake pops~~however, this entire post & relpys has had me in stitches! Seriously though, just remember, we all can't do everything & that is why we are each unique in what & how we do things. HAPPY BAKING!!

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Rae
2/6/2016 04:39:52 pm

Circles are over rated, I cheat and stick a lollipop stick into mini cupcakes. I admire your tenacity though.

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