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Talking to Your Kids About My Kid

6/21/2013

8 Comments

 
Well…it’s about time to start explaining some things to Kate’s big-sister Grace. She’s growing up fast and she’s pretty darn smart.  Her friends are growing up too and they’re already starting to notice Kate’s a little different.  I can tell that Grace understands her little sister, hell she’s exposed to her all the time, but for our friend’s kids autism can be a little confusing. I imagine autism must be a tough one for a child to figure out. "Kate looks like everyone else, so why does she act so different sometimes?" Tough question kid.

So as parents what do we do when there's a tough parenting problem? Ask our parents, or our friends? They’ve been there before right?…………not this time.  So; if we can’t ask our family and friends, what can we do??  That’s right, we GOOGLE it!!  So that’s what I did, and it didn’t take long to find some pretty good ideas. I’ve paraphrased the highlights and Shanell and I added a few of our own. The is hope that other parents can use this as a guide. I know I will use these ideas with Grace. We want everyone and their horse to know about Kate and some of the struggles she’ll face because we believe it will give her the best chance for success.

So here are a few talking points. Please use them when your kids start asking you some tough questions.
Here goes..............Our Uneducated guide for talking to your kids about autism;

You can’t tell someone has autism by looking at them. They look the same as you, me and all your other friends.

Kids with Autism have to work hard at some things you might find easy. Like talking, playing games, or making friends.

They might do something repetitive because it’s fun or because they want to block out something that is overwhelming. Sometimes they will do things like jumping, rocking, or flapping their hands. I know it looks funny but it’s OK. You can “join in” with them if you want. They would probably love that.

Everybody does something that’s weird. Nail biting, tapping feet or chewing pencils. It’s OK to be different.

Some kids with autism are “sensory seekers”. They seek out pressure and like to bang and crash and play rough. Other kids are “sensory defenders”.  They see, hear and feel things very strongly and may need to shy away from noise, light and rough/busy play.

Sometimes kids with autism won’t know how you’re feeling and you might not be able to tell how they’re feeling.  Tell them how you feel when you’re angry or sad or happy and ask them how they feel when you’re not sure.

Just like you, kids with autism can get really interested in a topic, or a game, or a toy. They may forget that you might want to talk about something else or play a different game.  It’s OK to ask if you can do or talk about something else.

Some kids with Autism find it hard to join in a game or they might join in at the wrong time.  Just like “normal” kids that are just a little shy, kids with autism might not know how to ask if they can play with you. They might need your help understanding how to play the game.  Ask them to play with you and be patient, it’ll take a while but they’ll get it.

All kids with autism are a little different. They don’t all like the same stuff. Different things can make them feel bad too. It depends on the kid. Someone might really like music, another might think it’s too noisy and like quiet time.

Sometimes kids with autism can have really bad "meltdowns" when they aren’t happy or feeling overwhelmed. It’s not a tantrum. Don’t worry they’ll be fine. Don’t be afraid.

At home and school, teachers and families will probably have different rules for your friend with autism. I know it might seem unfair sometimes, but your friend isn’t being bad. Don’t get mad at them.

Your friend with Autism probably has a sister or a brother. I bet that sister or brother would love it if you made a special effort to play with them.

You can be the best helper to your friend with autism. All you have to do is play with them and be a little patient.

It’s OK to ask your friends Mom and Dad about autism.

Here’s a resources from the Autism Society. The first one is for talking to children and the second is for talking to teens.

http://www.autism-society.org/living-with-autism/family-issues/growing_up_together.pdf

http://support.autism-society.org/site/DocServer/NEWasa-growing_up-teen-final-rev.pdf?docID=11041

Here’s a link to a few videos about a filmmaker who’s befriended a young man with Autism.
Chad and Jenks
I like these because Andrew is really genuine in his enjoyment of hanging out with Chad.  Being Chad’s friend is very rewarding for Andrew and he gets just as much out of the friendship as Chad…probably more.

The Bottom Line:
We feel that Kate’s peers, can teach her more about life and being a friend than we can. I'm going to start explaining things to Grace soon and we hope you'll do the same with your kids.If we talk to our kids about autism early and often then they won’t be uncomfortable or scared around kids like Kate.   If I was going to do a “Ted” Talk that would be “my idea worth spreading”.

8 Comments
HEATHER REED
6/21/2013 10:17:09 pm

ALEX, that was wonderful,I know from experience what a truly great DAD you have always been for your girlies!!!!!!!!

Reply
Lucy LeBlanc
6/22/2013 01:56:08 am

Alex, thank you for this post. As a resource teacher I am asked many times how to talk to children about autism and I have suggested some of the things mentioned here but I often forget to mention the siblings of the ASD child. I will be saving these suggestions and adding them to my autism resources.

Reply
Jacqueline
1/10/2014 10:22:46 am

After nannying a child from 2 months to 2 1/2 years diagnosed with autism and introducing him to my own typically developing step son the same age these issues come up all the time!!!!! I feel like I understand the things the child with autism wants but my 3 year old doesn't understand why he does certain things and doesn't know how to react. These are some great talking points!!!! Your daughters are lucky they have such devoted parents.

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Chris link
1/14/2014 01:53:02 am

you dont know me, but thank you for sharing what you've learned and your insights.
I have a nephew and a niece with autism and they are the most sweetest children ever. all it takes is some understanding and education. Best regards.

Reply
Sandeep
1/14/2014 11:37:06 am

Alex – Thank you for this post. As a father of Autistic boy, I have always thought of ways to explain kids his age about him and his condition, and also why he does things certain way. I have always been open to close friends and asked them to talk to their kids about it. but sometimes have struggled with words. You have done a very good job of putting it all together. This will definitely help lot of other parents who are going thru the same and also to other parents who are willing to explain their kids about Autism. I agree, all it will take is some understanding and some education. Good luck. Keep up the good work and have faith.

Reply
Volker
1/15/2014 05:27:41 pm

Hello,
I found your website today, because your daughter was mentioned on imgur http://imgur.com/gallery/q2scSOo -- I really liked the story, so I browsed the site a little more. From the parts I have read, god decided well to "deliver" Kate to you, she seems to have wonderful parents.
So, why am I commenting? Please, do the TED talk! We -- the people who only rarely have contact to people like Kate need your help to understand better.
The end of the story on imgur made me feel shame, because I don't know, wether parents apologized by me, because I was annoyed because of their children, but I have to confess, I was often annoyed without thinking, that everybody needs time and love sometimes, and that probably we all should take this time.

Thank you for this website and a warm greeting from germany.

Reply
Anthony
1/15/2014 09:50:53 pm

Good morning, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine having a child with a disability, I admire your strength and courage.

A few years ago, my daughter Gianna, had to wear a cast on her hand. I watched Gianna play with the other kids in the Dr.'s waiting room and tears were streaming down my face, because she was unable to use both hands. Gianna would drop the toys, her bottle, etc. It was so sad to see Gianna a step behind because of that cast. Her brothers and sisters noticed she was having a hard time, so they carried the toys over, and helped her be able to play. The other children in the room also noticed she needed help, and instead of walking away, and looking at her different, they also realized Gianna pick up the items she needed. Seeing other children helping my child, was amazing.

To be honest, I forgot about that situation until I saw the coverage on the news. I am 35 years old, and I can't recall ever having the pleasure of meeting a child with Autism. I want to make sure that my daughter never looks at anyone with a disability any different. I want to make sure my daughter will look at a child as a playmate, and help him/her with whatever they need help with. Thank you, so much for sharing your story, and I will make sure that I will learn about Autism and my daughter learns about Autism, so she will better understand this disability.

Reply
Ashleigh
1/16/2014 01:18:14 pm

As a younger sibling to someone with ASD, I just wanna say thanks for thinking of me! Haha. My older sister was always the center of our lives, and my younger sister and I refused to play with anyone unless they played with her, too. She uses a wheelchair, too, though, so I think it was easier for them to categorize when she had a behavior.

Now I'm an ABA therapist and I will absolutely use this as a resource for kiddos I work with. Socializing is scary, especially when kids at the park ask hard questions or give funny looks. I know all of these points internally, but it's refreshing to see them rewritten in a way kids can understand. Thanks!

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