In Defense of 'The Bully'

9/11/2013

This morning Grace said to me: "Mom, I will tell you this and you will tell no one." (She is a bit dramatic and she speaks likes this often.)

I obviously braced for something big. Sort of.

She said this:

"Mom, there is a bully at school and NO ONE plays with her. We all run because she will attack you if she gets near you."

Now, maybe you are wondering if I called that school right up and demanded that the bully be kept away from my precious little snowflake.

Not a chance.

My heart goes out to that girl. Grace is fine. She has a team of friends around her. They might even be bonding over their fear of this girl. This makes me ill.

I felt gutted for two reasons.

1. I imagined a school yard full of children running and hiding from a little girl.

2. I imagined Kate in her place.

Kate is rough and tumble. She hugs like a linebacker and she has no mercy when she wants something that you have. She doesn't understand social conventions and she might always struggle with these abstract concepts. She might be that girl that everyone runs away from.

I believe there is a place for anti-bullying education. I believe some children are bullied mercilessly and it changes them. It shapes them into anxious, self-doubting adults. It leaves scars that cannot be healed. I shudder at the thought of my girls being bullied. I know Kate may be a prime target herself.

This girl though, the one Grace is talking about, is different. I've met her. I've watcher her interact with other children. I suspect there are developmental issues clouding her judgment and her understanding of school yard etiquette. I've schooled myself in such things and while I have no right to label this child, I feel strongly that there is something more to her behavior. I believe that the label could bring much needed answers and support for her and her family. Ultimately, It is not for me to say.

Grace and I had a long talk this morning. She left confused. All the propaganda surrounding bullying demands that Grace despise this activity. She must run and tell her teacher. She must stand strong with her friends against the bully.

I don't expect Grace to understand the intricacies of this situation right now but I hope one day she will.

After all, she will share that school yard with her sister in two short years.

2 Comments

Frances link

9/11/2013 08:58:08 am

Wow. Great post. And yes, I agree with you 100%. Bullies and talking about them is such a double edge sword.

Danielle

8/12/2015 06:38:05 am

I know this is a much older post, but I am enjoying reading your blog from recent to past. If you ever have this feeling again, please try and speak to a teacher or the parents. My daughter and son are similar to this 'bully'. I don't know where to go. The teachers think it is fine and they will outgrow it by the end of the year. They never do, then I get calls from the teachers saying they don't know what to do about my child's behavior. I request testing. By this time the school year is almost over, the school system is booked with children that need to be re-tested for their plans. I get booked for the beginning of next year. The next year teacher fills out the questions by saying my children are great, smart, and will outgrow anything or the teachers are sure that they can 'fix' them by the end of the year. They will not give me a referral for outside testing. My daughter is entering the 5th grade this year with no answers. My son was so bad that he is having to be home schooled. My doctors office will only give me a referral for a therapist. They just say he has a conduct disorder and ADHD. My daughter just has ADHD. The therapy office won't give me a referral for other testing. According to them they are diagnosed. I could really use a point in the right direction. It would be wonderful to find a local parent that sees the same thing I do in my children and will tell me where to go next. I keep hitting my head against the brick walls and nothing happens. Someone to say 'yes I see it too! Here is a place to go for testing or so and so is a really great doctor, they will give you a referral' Another parent in my corner would be great. Someone who understand that just because my daughter is at the lower end of the class in reading, does not make everything else fine. Someone who understands that she doesn't have other basic skills down (such as wiping after using the bathroom). Then calling me throughout the year to let me know my daughter smells, do I put her in clean clothing, do I let her take showers, calling child protective services on me all because she pooped at school and didn't wipe. I have told the teacher at the beginning of the year, and throughout the year what the problem was, yet they still think I am a bad parent. This was not the only thing going on, just the most extreme, the one I was investigated about. (she is 10) For the social worker to ask when she takes baths and she tells them she never takes one, because she takes everything literally. She takes showers that have to be supervised. My son is a little better about being self care at 8, but still has to be supervised in a lot of things. His main problem is that he becomes angry and violent. He does this when he is overwhelmed. Overwhelmed could be getting out of routine for the day, interrupting something he is very into at that time, or even going somewhere. Still would love to have someone say they see it too. Just ask if they have noticed anything different about their child. You never know, you might get a parent like me. Screaming on the inside for someone to help. Frequently asking for help out loud, begging for help many times. Yet no one is there. No one hears. No one listens.

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I talk about Autism, a lot

In Defense of 'The Bully'

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