I’ll be spending some time in ‘the apartment’ this week. Today I had a bit of a rough start to the morning, and don’t worry I’ll fill you in because we are in this together, right? Let me start at the beginning.
I recently had some very memorable visits to the gynecologist. I wrote about them here and here. These visits have been leading up to a surgery I’ll be having next week. It’s minor surgery, only day surgery, but it’s still surgery so I’ve been a little wound up. If you know me, you’ll know I can get wound up over weather or dog farts. I’m not exactly as easy going as I’d like to appear. I collect Buddhas (which I know is fundamentally in contrast to the teachings of Buddha) because I wish to be calm and zen and all the things those bad ass little buddhas represent. It's not working, in case you were wondering.
Anyway, today I was feeling particular nervous. It’s the second day of school and I teach Kindergarten so I knew I’d be beyond busy today. I got a bit of a late start and felt the pressure as I rushed out the door, kissing my kids and forgetting the best part of my lunch; the cheese, of course. It’s not like I ever get to sit and enjoy my lunch as a teacher, but I was so looking forward to that cheddar.
I jumped in the van, slammed the van door and reversed it past the new boat we can’t afford narrowly missing the trailer hitch (and I suspect my husband has an over-under on when I’ll finally hit that trailer hitch) and started the trek to work.
I do most of my crying in the car, you know. So, I cried. Partly because of that cheese, and partly because I’m afraid of this surgery, partly because my eldest is so nervous about school starting and my youngest and her autism service dog have so many hills to climb, and partly because I love that stupid new boat so damn much.
I cried until I got to the busy drive-thru. I settled myself as I waited for my turn. I took out my blood pressure pills, as I do everyday, and readied myself to take it with my first sip of iced-coffee. I ordered my coffee and I pulled up to the window, as rushed as anyone else at 7:00 in the morning, and as I simultaneously reached for my bank card, attempted to turn down the music (because the young girl working had no business listening to Fetty Wap), I poured the entire bottle of pills in my lap just as she handed my coffee out the window.
When I did this, I closed my eyes for far too long before I took the coffee from her, smiled as I paid, and turned up Fetty as I drove away. I could feel pills being crushed under my feet and as I glanced to look at the damage I promptly spilled most of my coffee into my schoolbag; and then I cried again. I know it’s silly. It’s only blood pressure pills and coffee.. My anxiety medication was still tucked away safely in my purse, (of course), but damnit if that wasn’t all I needed to break today.
So more tears as I hit the highway, and because I was feeling especially sorry for myself I decided to play one of my favorite songs. I knew I wasn't going to live in it today, but I wallowed a little in self-pity for the remaining drive, committed to buying myself some new art supplies, and cranked my song because I’ll admit I have a flare for the dramatic.
I’m settled now, and the day is done and I feel far better. I’ll leave you with that song, released the year of my birth.
See you at the Apartment