"I'd murder a glass of wine right now." "Pardon?" The waitress is young and likely childless and doesn't see wine as a necessity. I imagine she only drinks cocktails; the fruity ones. It doesn't occur to her that I need this wine, today, and I need a healthy pour. "Wine, I want wine, please." "5 ounces or 9?" *sigh* I'm sitting here waiting for my wine and trying not to cry. Today I am overwhelmed. Today I can't stop my mind from running. Kate has become more aggressive. She's mostly used me to expend some of her pent up anger but on occasion she used Grace and that bothers me to no end. The aggression worries me. Not just the physical stuff, because we've been dealing with that for a long time now. We have our battle scars and we understand that Kate's frustration and confusion is far more painful than the pinch or the bite we get now and then. What is getting to me today is her verbal aggression. She is five and works hard to form every sentence that comes out of her mouth with makes it especially difficult to hear her threaten to hurt us. Mama, I will smash your head. Mama, I will put you where you're not safe. Mama, you're never my family. Mama, I will make you be dead. Relax, now. I don't expect to wake up in the middle of night and see Kate leaning over me with a pillow. Although, on occasion I will wake up in the middle of the night to her peeling my eyelids open and saying, "Mama, cuddle?" She loves us. She really truly does, and we know that for sure. She is just experimenting with threats right now and it kinda breaking my heart. Buddha knows, I've probably said some shitty things to my own mother in my life and trust me when I say, payback is a bitch.
2 Comments
Your own Mother
8/23/2015 09:27:49 am
Kate is going to be fine. She will settle down and things will fall right into place once her September/School routine gets underway :) This heat most certainly is no easier on her than it is on us. And oh by the way, your Mother never wished you payback, only Love and Happiness. You were challenging by times my Love, but trust me when I say, I am still as in awe of you as I was the day you were born :)
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Sarah
9/11/2015 03:01:59 pm
I always try to remind myself that i must be doing something right if my kid trusts me enough to say those things. Kinda cold comfort maybe, but... *passes the wine*
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