When Grace was not yet two, she spoke in full sentences. She had beautiful insights into the feelings of other people. She sat like a tiny doll in any restaurant we chose and we relished in telling people these very things. If I could, I would travel back in time and tell that smug version of myself what a righteous ass I appeared. I would explain that not everybody's baby turns out this way and who the hell did I think I was pointing that out at every turn. Did I tell my anecdotes at parties where other moms sat quietly listening and fretting because their child had yet to utter a word? Did I find excuses to show off Grace's loquacious ways? Of course. I would have hated me. When Kate came along it was especially troubling to watch her miss one milestone after another when compared to her sister who easily reached and surpassed the lists in those baby books (which can be equally as awful as I was). It hurts like a son of a bitch to feel your gut wrench when your child doesn't pass the standardized tests in the bullshit baby books but what hurts even more is when thoughts of what was once such a source of pride about your other child can now bring you to tears in comparison. Do we really need other mothers to point that out to us when we are already so hard on ourselves? How kind they all were not to speak up when I bragged about my talking baby. I won't say I am done comparing my girls. I will say that no one, not even me, can set a standard for my children, or yours. So, tonight when I changed the diaper of my almost four year old and tucked her into bed after reading her a board book about colours, I kissed her forehead and told her she was perfect because I know she is.
8 Comments
2/20/2014 09:50:45 am
And all of this is the unspoken truth that many of us feel. Thank you for being BRAVE and speaking these words out loud. I am a mother of a 7 year old autistic child (I follow you on Facebook. I'm the mama of Bailey-Ryan. I posted a pic on your page of Miss Bailey-Ryan and her cat Milo!! ;) ). She is my only and my fear to have another is so overwhelming it can often be disabling. She is SSSOOO much to handle. I so feel you!!
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2/20/2014 09:58:24 am
Oh, my friend. I just love the way you write. Beautiful.
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Odile Cliche
2/20/2014 10:31:38 am
Every nights when I take Charles to bed, who was diagnosed last late summer, I tell him that I love him and that I'm proud of him.
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I so get this. I remember wanting to take some credit for how verbal our older son was. It must have been because we were brilliant parents who read all time time and got him on a sleep schedule right away and did everything right. I'd smack my old self upside the head, I think.
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This is a great post. People don't understand how hurtful it can be to hear about that kind of thing. My oldest son Luke became potty trained right at the age of 5.(Right in time for kindergarten) It completely happened out of nowhere. Which strangely is the way a lot of things(that we struggle with) go with Luke. The same exact thing with colors. For a very long time everything was labeled red, then suddenly he was labeling multiple colors. Once he gets it, he gets it. Some things just take more time and effort for us to accomplish, but I have faith that he will be able to do what he wants to do. It is just going to be on his schedule. Kate is beyond perfect and she is so lucky to have an awesome mom like you.
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Kerry
2/22/2014 03:56:23 pm
Really we'll written shanell.
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