We lie to Kate constantly, you know. We do it save her feelings of confusion and fear. We do it so she doesn't feel left out and we do it for our own sanity. "Mama, why does I always mix up?" When she said this to me I was at the same time destroyed for her sadness and impressed by her articulation. Tell me, do you know that feeling? It's a tough one. I thought I would share some example of our lies and why we do it. Our reasons don't make it feel any less terrible but here they are: Whenever her sister is off to play outside with her friends (and Kate certainly cannot go unchaperoned, nor does she often share their interests), we tell her Grace is going to school. What kid goes to school at 6pm on a Saturday? But we tell Kate that because time means little to her and she accepts it and we don't have to deal with her tears and questions about why she can't go out to play whenever her sister does. Whenever she asks about her birthday (which is every single day because autism is like that) we tell her: "Soon Katie" because she can't remember what we said yesterday and she can only remember how amazing that day was for her. Her Birthday is nine months away. It's going to be a long go of it for her, and us. Maybe we should start celebrating half birthdays? Whenever she says she's going to be a Pirate or a Ninja or a Spaceman, we tell her "Yes, you sure will, baby", because maybe she will, and at the very least we want to encourage her confidence. As proud as we are that Kate is beginning to articulate more, it terrifies us that she is beginning to understand her differences, her deficits. Like any parent, our goal is to protect her. And Everyday we wonder if we are doing it right.
12 Comments
Shari
8/7/2015 11:18:15 pm
I feel your heartbreak. Until my B was in grade 2 she didn't know she thought/acted differently. Why she needed help with things and others didn't. Now, heading into grade 5, it hurts her to see the differences. How it's so much harder for her to make friends. How she doesn't process things the same way. Yesterday she said "I'd be so different without my autism." My heart hurts for them.
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Harry Cutting
8/8/2015 12:09:00 am
First and foremost I must commend you and your husband for being so in tune with each of you beautiful girls needs. EVERY child has special needs not just special need children, ( I hate labels). At this point in Katie's life I truly believe that your handling of this situation is best for everyone all around. It also seems Katie will soon be much more aware of her suroundings and happings in her life. Thats when you will need to change you thinking. When i first read this post I could not respond (tears) Katie and Grace are very special beings and will make this world a better place to live. Hugs.
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Monica
8/11/2015 10:51:13 am
Beautifully said.
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Jason Saulnier
8/8/2015 12:14:50 am
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Cara
8/8/2015 01:02:48 am
You're doing it right. <3 We do the same with our 12 yr old daughter that has Fragile X and Autism. She wants to be an artist and "own a bakery". Okie Dokie, kiddo. When relatives or friends from out of town leave, we say, "they'll be right back". It's all the same to her. It keeps her happy and avoids meltdowns. Keep up the awesome parenting. We're all in this together!
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Ragnar
8/8/2015 01:45:51 am
Consider me a member of team Kate. I support and cheer for any child with special needs. Just because they have to do things different doesn't mean they can't do them.
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Christine
8/8/2015 10:08:43 am
I totally get it! Your sparing her feelings ! My lit guy will be 6. He starts school in the fall, I'm freaking out about it! But I would do the same they have enough to deal with......why add to it at this point there still so young ! Your blogs rock and I'm so glad I can read them and feel I'm not the only one out there! I still have a hard time explaining to some about how discipline for him is just not the same as your typical child ! Anyways I love reading your blogs keep posting :)
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Heather David
8/8/2015 04:57:58 pm
You are doing things perfectly! Kate is blessed to have you as her momma!
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8/8/2015 10:56:25 pm
Snanell this really nails it and I'm sure it will be helpful to the thousands of parents protecting their child in exactly the same way.
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Anneke
8/9/2015 12:54:55 am
Hang in there...love conquers all you will reap your rewards one day
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Lawrence Christensen
8/9/2015 01:51:04 am
You are doing the best you can, and Right is how it feels in your heart, never doubt how good a compass your heart is. Kate needs her family to instill the confidence she needs to be who she will be, ninja, pirate or just a wonderful gentle soul, I need more of those in my world. Thanks.
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Danielle
8/11/2015 07:10:18 pm
My 14 year old told me today she doesn't know yet what she wants for Christmas. Just a couple of days ago, my 10 year old was talking about her NEXT birthday party...in March. My 8 year old is talking about his birthday as well, it is in September, so close, but has been mentioning it every couple of days since LAST September. We also have several rounds of 'famous rock star, ballerina, astronaut, alien (?)' going on in my house. Oh, and my 8 year old wants to be a power ranger when he is not a rock star or alien. I don't get the alien thing, but...shrug. I don't have a child with autism. I have a nephew with a mild case and I worked with young children with developmental delays, some with very severe autism. BTW, I found your post when it made the front page of my yahoo news.
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