Dear Neighbour, I sometimes wonder if you know about Kate’s autism. You are so friendly and kind and we know based on our proximity that you have been privy to many a meltdown. Your children are grown or never existed. Your house is quiet and your garden precisely groomed. I haven’t taken the time to get to know you because I am afraid that you might reject the idea of a friendship with a mom who walks down the street in her pyjamas with a bottle of wine hidden poorly in the sleeve of her coat, to her childhood friend who lives not two minutes away. I am afraid you will reject a friendship with a mom whose puffy eyes are a combination of sleep deprivation and cheap wine on a Tuesday night because Tuesday was so damn hard. You’ve already patiently put up with so much from us. There are the morning meltdowns that explode when we try and change Kate’s clothes to get her ready for daycare. You’ve likely not even rolled out of bed when you hear Kate loudly protesting the idea of pants. Your perfectly manicured house sits tens steps across the quiet street and you are most certainly privy to the fact that Kate prefers to keep the same thing on, no matter what it is. She does not like change and she lets us know with vigour. We have recently become pretty adept at redirection and can get out of the house in the morning without too many issues about half of the time. The other half leaves us weak and defeated. What you must think? I imagine your conversations with your husband, you know: You: What is wrong with that family? Why can they not control that little girl? Him: I’m going over there this time. We have been listening to this madness for too long! You: No, honey, I feel bad for her. Did you see her leave for work in her slippers today? Him: I’m running out of patience for this. You: Surely, it will get better. The screaming and crying. The chaos. Do you peek out your window and watch us force Kate into her carseat so we can get her to daycare? Do you cringe when we shut the door car door in the middle of her hysterics? Does your heart break for Grace, who stands quietly by, sometimes in tears, sometimes in solidarity with her sister? Do you pity her? Do you pity us? Do you understand? I know you know that bedtime can be the same. We have improved and I’m sure you’ll agree. You likely had to shut your windows each evening in the hot summer last year. This year, maybe only half the time. Bedtime is hard. You’re probably settling down with a cup of tea ready to watch your news program when you hear the first screams. You likely frown and set your cup down. You sigh and turn your television up. The you I imagine in that house is not the you I encounter outside. When we venture out to play Kate is happiest. You never shy away. You always come over and chat. You smile genuinely at Grace and Kate and you casually chat to me as if we haven’t disrupted so many of your early mornings and evenings. You ask questions to our girls about school and friends. Kate rubs your leg. You reach for her hand. You like her. She likes you. I watch you for signs of anger or frustration. I see none. I never really commit to any conversation because I am always anxiously waiting for you to smile and say: “It’s not that I mind, but my husband works nights, and the noise…well….” You never say those words. Did we hit the neighbour jackpot? I’ve seen neighbours lose it over grass grown a centimetre too long. I’ve seen neighbourhood feuds erupt over a poorly placed fence or an overgrown tree. For whatever reason you have chosen to give us a pass, and for that we thank you. You deserve a quiet morning and a peaceful evening and we are working hard to make that happen; for both us. Cheers S
7 Comments
i have 3 children with autism. 4.5 year old boy who is high functioning and 3 year old identical twin girls who are severely autistic, non-verbal, and who scream...a lot. And the most ear piercing screams ever...they scream mainly during hair brushing and in the middle of the night...and when they are hungry or if they are overwhelmed. Thankfully my immediate Neighbours know...but I'm sure the ones across the pathway wonder what is up. I read your article on huffing ton post and it brought me to your blog. People will never understand. I write a blog for therapy too and it was never featured and I'm kind of glad for that! This autism thing is impossible to understand unless you live it. Keep your head up.
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Andrea Kennedy
4/1/2015 03:41:05 pm
I love this post.
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Natalie Robinson
4/1/2015 11:58:45 pm
I only found out about this blog today. And I am so glad I did. My son has just recently been diagnosed and I am trying my best to learn what I can and give him what he needs. I love how honest you are. Thank you for this. I sincerely mean it. Thank you.
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I live in a flat, in a building with 14 other flat. My neighbour next door smokes in the hallways, has loud sex with her windows open (her bedroom window is on the same wall as mine and my bedroom gets HOT which I'm sure hers do as well, but woman plz. Close them during noise generating activities), one of my other neighbour spies at me and frowns at me for throwing my garbage in the wrong bin/generation too much garbage, and yet another one think its "inappropriate" that I walk around in PJ bottoms and t-shirt when I go out to check for mail or dispose of said garbage. I want to live in a house.
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4/7/2015 07:12:30 pm
Thank you so much for this post. I often wonder what my neighbors think and am grateful they have not made an issue. At the same time I wonder if they are curious to know why my son has the days he does. I optimistically hope one day they ask, but am reminded that most will focus on their own life first. Once again thanks for the post.
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Susan
4/7/2015 11:27:07 pm
I think that God has put that neighbor in your life for a reason (or you in their life for a reason). I hope that you can maybe open up to her a little more to help ease your fears about disruption to their lives. You don't need the extra stress of worrying about that.
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Lara
4/13/2015 08:44:49 pm
We used to have a neighbour who have a 3 years old son with autism, the boy will always go straight to our house whenever the gate is open. He will just sit there in our living room until his mom or carer will take him back to their house. He doesnt talk to anyone and will not look you in the eyes but whenever i sit beside him he will smile. I saw how hard for my neighbour to get him in the car... And I salute them for not losing their patience to their child. They are a happy family, I bet you are too. :) God bless! Your children will have great futures! :)
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