Is your child refusing to participate in the sport/activity/music lesson you paid good money for, an activity they actually begged to join in the first place?
Hey, it’s okay. Your child is probably mediocre at best and this activity won’t be leading to any major scholarships or career choices. Let that shit go. Simply lean in and tell your child in a hushed voice that you are going to sell their violin/hockey skates/tennis racquet. Tell them that’ll you use the money for their college fund but then go and buy wine.
Is your child refusing to eat a meal you prepared, again?
Don’t get mad. You need to save your energy to stay up after they go to bed to get through a whole episode of House of Cards on Netflix. Remove the meal from in front of the child and swear under your breath. Keep the smile on your face, and hand the child a packet of goldfish. Trust me, they’ll be pleased. As you scrape the meal into a tupperware and slide it into the back of the fridge to be discovered some day next Fall, remember that there is booze in the cupboard and bedtime will be here soon.
Is homework a problem? Do they whine and moan about it making you crazy?
Write a note to their teacher. It should say something like this:
Dear Mr. C
We’ve decided as a family we will no longer be participating in homework of any kind. There is currently little evidence to support any benefit to homework for elementary aged children, and furthermore, it makes us argue at the dinner table. If we’re going to spend the evening arguing we’d rather do it over something more meaningful, like which superhero would win in a fight, or if cats can get married.
Is your child refusing to participate in a bedtime routine you have devised after many years of researching what works best for your very particular, moody and self-absorbed son or daughter?
Fret not. Hand that child an iPad and tell them to fall asleep to their favorite show tonight. When they look at you with surprise and confusion say: “You better go now, before I change my mind.” Your child is sure to get ready for bed quickly and you likely won’t hear from them until morning.
Is your child refusing to get out of bed in the morning? Did they stay up way too late watching Paw Patrol?
Offer them a new fidget spinner or the equivalent (about $5) to get up and get ready for school. You’re likely tired from your House of Cards binge and you don’t need this shit right now.
Is that little Maverick pulling the old “I can’t find my shoes” when it’s time to get in the van and head to school?
Send them to school shoeless. Tell them you didn’t have any shoes growing up and you walked to school in frigid temperatures. (I know you had Jordans and Chuck Taylors but you’ll want to set this one up) Trust me, this will hurt them more than it will hurt you. At recess time when they have to run around and play on the crushed gravel in sock feet, they’ll instantly remember where their shoes are and never forget them again.
Now, because you’re going to pay for this….big time. You better enjoy these little breaks while they last. Through extensive research, I’ve come to the conclusion you can do this about once every six weeks with little damage to your routines. Choose your times wisely.
Be safe out there.