You know, a day 'when you drop everything you pick up and you forget to get gas and your bank account is depressingly low, but you have a bad case of the wants, and your kids, well, your kids are still pretty rad but kinda tired too and you feel a bit like garbage and you just don't want to advocate' kind of day.
I know, I know. I signed up for the job of advocating for Kate. I write the intimate details of our lives and Kate's autism here for perfect strangers to read on a regular basis because I feel obligated to prepare the world for this kid. She's a force, as you can probably tell, and for all the wonderful things that go along with that, she needs a lot of support, too. So, I write and I write and then I write some more and I share a large portion of that with you. Most times you say nice things back, which is cool and sometimes you don't which is okay, too.
But here's the kicker. When I write, I get to choose when, where and how I share information. I get to curate our world to suit the messages I want to send and I get to ignore, for the most part, rude and thoughtless comments. When I am walking around town with our little circus I 'get to' answer all your questions and receive all your stares and listen to all your loudly whispered comments on the spot and while I'm shopping or doing any number of things I need to do to keep our family going. And all of these things are for the most part, kind and thoughtful and with an honest interest in our world but there are times...times when I don't want to be the spokesperson for raising a child with autism or autism service dogs or mediocre parenting or middle-aged mom blog writing or any of the other things I do on a daily basis. I don't want to explain why she's wearing a costume, or why she's hopping or flapping or telling your husband she loves his big belly. I don't want to explain why her sister is painfully shy and always a little embarrassed but won't take her eyes of her sister for a moment.
Today, I just didn't want to do it.
Today, I wanted to take my superhero clad girl and her sensitive big sister for groceries and a haircut without having to talk to anyone at all. I didn't want to smile back at the well-meaning individuals who, no doubt, thought miss Kate was the cutest 'little fella' they had seen all day. I didn't want to nod thankfully at the people who were respectfully distant from Oakley as he worked and I sure as hell didn't want to listen to the grumblings of a dude that peaked in high school complaning about "that poor dog."
So, you should know, there are days like this. Days when I feel like I signed up for too much. Days when I am too tired to do what I promised. Days when I feel like you're all asking at once, all looking at once, all smiling at once and all grumbling at once.
Today was one of those days.