I really do appreciate the lovely comments you all leave me on this blog. There are days when I have blogger's regret after posting something and without fail someone shares some encouraging words that make it seem ok. Having said that though, I want to be completely honest about how some of the "you're a great mom" stuff can make me feel. It makes me feel a bit like a fraud. Actually, it makes me feel like a liar. I write these posts with every intention of sharing an honest picture of our life but I inevitably have the power to pick and choose what I share with you. I tend not to focus on the parent failures like plugging the kids into their elecronics on a Sunday morning because I had to much wine the night before or forgetting to feed Kate supper because she would never ask for it (yes, I did this). I love my girls more than words and I provide for their needs and I work hard to make sure Kate gets the best services around but that is small part of what I am. I think I am an ok mom Maybe even one of the okayest mom's around. But still just ok. I let me kids watch too much TV and I let my little autistic daughter stim on the IPad for far longer than I should. We rarely eat together as a family, mostly because we must prepare three seperate meals at supper time. I take the kids out to eat way too much. I let them whine to get their way. I buy them things to make myself feel better about my shortcomings. I compare them to other kids. I can be impatient and bossy. I give in to tantrums and sit on the floor and cry during meltdowns. I ask far too much of my five year old when it comes to dealing with her little sister. I constantly hear myself say, "I'm tired." I would like to get through one day without saying that. The list goes on and on. I would be this kind of mom even if Kate didn't have autism. I am not more tired or more stressed because we have more to deal with. We don't have 'more' to deal with. We are dealing with our lot. You all have your own issues. There are lots of days where I wake up and immediately look forward to bed time. I don't exercise enough and my diet has gone to hell. I am generally not a great mom or a role model for mom's of special needs kids. I drink wine and I swear (regular readers won't be shocked by this confession). I enjoy being rebellious and deviant in some ways. I love to challenge the status quo and I have a seriously bad attitude some days. I am full of faults. So, when I read things like, "you're doing an amazing job, " I have to wonder if you knew the real truth of it all would you be saying that? I think I run pretty average in the mom department. Should I blame the impossibly high standards society sets for moms? Should I blame the standards I have set for myself? Not even a little bit. I am flawed. I am learning to deal with it. Anyway, I hope you understand that I am not being ungrateful for the kind words left in the comments section. I just wanted you to know that I am not that mom. That one you keep talking about after you read my posts. I am not even close. In fact, I don't think she exists.
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I am feeling down tonight. I know I will have to run into some of you readers in the grocery store and it really makes me not want to write this because I don't want to people to think I am always feeling this way. There are moments when I feel down. I think that is fair to say about everyone in some way. Today is one of those days for me. I may not even publish this post. I am looking around the house and making note of how autism has taken over our lives in so many ways. There is a stack of books on my beside table with titles like "The Autism Revolution" and "ChallengingThe Myths of Autism", among others. Gone are the stacks of books I would pick up on a friend's suggestion or while browsing the bookstore." Our calendar is covered with Kate's upcoming appointments. Much of our conversations are centred around who will be able to take the time off work to take Kate to these appointments. Gone are the notes about swimming lessons and playdates. Our cupboard is full of vitamins and supplements and gluten-free and casein-free foods that we are trying desperately to get her to eat (autism parent's, you know their diet is limited on a good day.) God, do I sound like I am complaining about helping my little girl? Even as I re-read what I just wrote I am feeling guilty because I am essentially saying that Kate's autism is taking over our lives and it is making me sad. How awful is that? How sad she would feel if she knew I was thinking like this. I really don't mind reading and researching and fighting for Kate all day long. I guess, in some ways, I wish I didn't have to. I think the neurodiversity movement will jump down my throat when I say this, but I wish Kate could recover. I wish she didn't have these challenges. Yesterday when Alex and I were driving with Kate he told me how when he is driving her to daycare in the morning she will yell out "GO" when he gets to the stop sign at the end of the road. I made a joke about her getting her licence someday and being a crazy driver. He didn't laugh and when I looked at him I could see his face was so sad. I knew what he was thinking. Will Kate ever get a licence? Will she ever be independent? Kate has some language and we are so grateful for that. But, how far will she go? How come no one will say the words high-functioning to us? We have been throwing that term around at therapy and doctor appointments waiting to see hear it said back to us and it hasn't happened. What does that mean? I am too new in the game to understand all the semantics that are tossed about on the autism blogs, groups and sites. I am getting a sense that people are very emotionally tied to some terms used in connection with autism. I guess 'high-functioning' is that term for me right now. Kate is still so young. We are hopeful that she will gain the skills, once treatment begins, to live a 'normal' life. We struggle with thoughts that she won't. One of the shittiest things about autism is that you are robbed of the comfort you get in assuming your child will grow up and become independent and start a family of their own. I didn't even realize that this idea was a luxury. I know that not all neurotypical kids grow up to become independent members of society with little families of their own but I do know their parents at least can make that assumption when they are staring in their little toddlers face. They can take some comfort in the fact that they are born with the things they need to do this. I'm jealous. I know I should not be wasting time feeling sorry for myself and get back to working on organizing her treatments but it is just kind of pouring out of me now. I definitely have some weak moments and this is one. And now that I have brought you down I am going to cheer you up with this little slideshow of really cute baby animals. You're welcome. *Update: After I wrote this I came across another post in a great blog called "Life His Way". Check out that post here. It answered me in the nicest possible way. |
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GoTeamKate 27 Wellington Row Saint John, NB E2L 4S1 I've been a tad overwhelmed with teaching Kindergarten during a pandemic (masks and all) butttttttt, I have not forgotten my sweet patr
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April 2022
AuthorGrace and Kate's mom. (Shanell) |